Earlier this week, I met with Christie from spectrum go over Amanda's IEP for next year. It was so different from any other IEP we've done for her. Instead of just identifying a goal for this year, we made a long term goal. This is the first time ever I've put down what I expect or want for Amanda in the future. Yes, she will still be getting the three R's, but so much of this IEP is concentrated on independence. This is very scary for me. To think about Amanda living independently. I want that for her in the worst way, and this is what I've worked for, but the thought of it scared the dickens out of me. It's a cruel world out there, can she handle it? Over the past several months, I kinda thought I was reaching a reality check so to speak. I was coming to terms with the fact that she would never leave home, never get married, never have children, and possibly not even hold a job. Christie told me to not let my fears hold her back. This wasn't fair to her or to me. She firmly believes she will achieve most if not all of this. Not at the time your "typical"child would, but in her own time. Instead of her early twenties, maybe late twenties or early thirties. I never thought of it that way, and I'm so glad I have people like Christie working with me to open my eyes.
Amanda has never really stated what she wants to be when she grows up. When I ask her, she just kinda goes "ummmmmm". This used to depress me, but when I think about it, really, what 15 year old is sure of what they want in their future? Most have a little idea, but few have really made up their minds. This is very encouraging to me. We're going to look into the things she can do, and build a career path for her according to her skills. She probably won't be a secretary who is required to type 75 words a minute, but she does have skills, and we need to expand on those.
She still has a lot of growing to do as far as independence. She still cannot shower on her own, and we've never even breached the subject of shaving. Handing Amanda a sharp object and trying to teach her something that will make her mad is scary. LOL. I don't want her coming after to me with that. So this summer will be the summer Christie will come into the home and show me how to teach her. She can do a lot on her own, but a lot isn't enough. She needs to know and learn how to do everything, and it's time I start letting her go. I need to let her make the mistakes. If her hair isn't perfect because she did it, then so be it. It's all a learning curve, and one I have to learn to follow. No matter how much it kills me to do it. I have to let her learn from her mistakes without immediately correcting them. She needs to figure things out on her own in her own time, and I've never allowed her to do that. I let her try, she says "I can't", so I fix it. That's a habit I've been told that I need to break. I'm not good at breaking habits, but for her sake I've got to be. She tells me that one day she wants to drive. I don't know how that's going to go. LOL
The next few years are going to be rough as I force her out into the world and quite sheltering her. She's going to fail, she's going to get hurt, and I cannot always be there to "fix" it. This is good and bad for me. I want her to be independent, right? Or do I truly want her to be? I want to shelter her, but is this fair? I'm told it's not. But is it fair to put her out into the cruel world to be hurt and ridiculed? My other children will be, but they can handle it. Can she? I guess I won't know until we try. God help us.....
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