Transitions and new seasons

I haven't taken the time to post much lately. Life has been crazy busy for us. Things are changing and the children are growing. Earlier this week, I had a meeting with Amanda's principal regarding her future after graduation in June.  When she asked what I wanted for her after graduation, the first thought that came to my mind is I didn't want her to be autistic.  Unrealistic, selfish, and absurd, but it was my very first thought.  When your child is graduating from high school, there are normally so many avenues and decisions they make.  But my child isn't making these decisions, I am.  It saddened me.  I said I want to her to find a job in the typical work force.  One she will enjoy and feel like a contributing member of society. This is also what she wants.  But, then I think of this new season quickly approaching and I selfishly think of how this will affect me.  That's awful, but I couldn't help it.  There will be no bus picking her up at 7 and safely returning her to me at 4.  Her transportation will now solely fall upon the family.  We will be the ones to take her and pick her up.  We will do it for her of course.  Just as we have done everything we can thus far.  But MAN, it's another responsibility.   There will no longer be a classroom keeping her occupied during the day.  Part time work will keep her busy but what can I do to make sure she is happy and involved?  Another thing that will fall to the family.  Now I am faced with this tremendous mental fork in the road.  One path can make me reflect on how far she has come and everything she has done.  I think back to my severely autistic toddler who could not speak and sat in a corner banging her head on the wall unless we were watching her favorite Rugrats episode for the millionth time, who became a beautiful princess and proudly walked on stage and spoke about her autism.  I wonder what more God has in store for her and what else she is bound to accomplish.  The other path is very dark and self-pitying.  This path reminds me of how much work her adulthood is going to be on me.  It's my choice where I will focus, and I am sure I will spend much time on both paths.  I'm only human. But this angers me so much that I would allow this to become about me and not her.  Parents watch their kids grow and move on.  They get to reacquaint themselves with their spouses.  I will never have that and dang it, I'm jealous!  But, this is the life God gave me.   He dealt me this hand for a reason, and I will survive.  I just ask my friends and family to not scold me for my occasional pity party.  I am sure most days will be great, as they are now.  I will make sure of that, as it is my choice.  But allowing oneself to grieve for lost dreams is a normal part of being human and I am learning that.  I shall not dwell on that dark path, the other, lighter path is so much more fulfilling.  One day at a time.  Jesus take the wheel.